Babies!

I want to be pregnant so bad.

Like, SO bad. Like, "living vicariously through my friend's sister's pregnancy on the other side of the country" bad. Like, "have to hide how much I know about pregnancy because it's WIERD" bad.

The only thing, and I mean only thing I wanted to be when I grew up was a mom. I don't know if I got it from my mom brainwashing me or what, but it's always been the case. It's not that I was completely attached to a dolly or I had a bajillion younger cousins... it's just who I am.

Of course, being a modern woman in a modern society, this isn't exactly an approved career plan - hence the teaching. (Strangely enough, I have absolutely no desire to teach early years or even elementary - it's high school all the way. I guess the thought of teaching the little buggers isn't as exciting for me.) And because I want my future hubby to be happy and not miserable, he's probably not going to make enough for me to stay home with the future kids... so I'm definitely career-bound. Not that I'm miserable with the fact - I'm actually really enjoying teaching.

But here's the thing. I'm 23, almost 24. Most of my friends are freaking out that I'm getting married - I'm not even going to mention babies or they might just explode. They're doing their undergrads, grad school, job hunting or trying to figure out what career they want. They enjoy having hours to spend on tv, going out every friday and saturday (and thursday, and wednesday) nights, and splurging on food & clothes and booze. Hell, a good chunk still live with their parents!

But me? I want a baby today. No, scratch that, yesterday.

I've always known that I wanted to be a young mom - when I was 10 or 12, I actually figured that married at 21, kids at 22/23 sounded about perfect.

Hahahaha... ooh, stupid youth.

Of course, I'm not married yet... although I soon will be. But then there's another year of school, which is a big financial and emotional crunch and there's no way I want to deal with kids then. Then there's actually finding a job... and then if I find one, it takes two years of teaching to actually bet my permanent certification (my temporary one lasts a few years, but still - it'd be great to actually have that over and done with). And then there's the whole financial thing - my fiance and I are renting a great 1-bedroom apt, but I'd really like to be settled in someplace I actually own the deed to before having kids. So... that's saving for a downpayment, searching for a place, actually moving in, and getting settled. Oh, and I wouldn't mind having a dog at some point in my life... that's probably coming before the babies.

All in all, it'll probably be 5 years or so before I can think about it. FML.

And here's the sad thing - I tried, I really tried... but my future hubby basically knows all. He knows all about me reading the pregnancy websites, he knows exactly how much baby-related tv I watch, and he knows how much I want to be a mom (when we were beginning to get serious, I actually told him, "Not having kids is a deal-breaker". That was an awkward conversation...)

Thankfully (and trust me, I thank the lord everyday), he's not completely and utterly freaked out like I figured he would be. He actually understands, knows how excited I am, wants it to happen for me too. But he also knows the realities of the situation - I mean, he might still have another year or two of schooling once he finishes his masters. He knows that it's years and years away.

So I watch my baby shows, and I read the blogs, and I dream...

One day.

Sleeping fun times

Well yesterday I got up later than I planned, because I stayed up super late.

See, I have a mild form of DSPS, or delayed sleep phase syndrome. Look it up - basically I have societal jet lag. Because my brain doesn't interpret sunlight quite right, my ideal sleep schedule is about 5am-2pm. It's not that I have insomnia (I have absolutely no trouble sleeping once I get there), it's just that I don't really like sleeping until really, really late.

Thankfully, my version is mild enough that if I keep to a really strict sleep schedule I'm okay. Trouble is, it takes me about 3 weeks of death and horrible sleepiness to get me on that schedule. (And let's not talk about daylight savings... I'm pretty sure it was invented just to fuck with my life.)

I'm really lucky that I have the mild version, and to be honest it by and large doesn't bug me very much. Maybe it's because I've always been like this - my mom remembers me putting me down for the night when I was a toddler and coming back hours later to find me quietly laying down in bed, wide awake.

It's meant some good things, too. When I was young, my mom would put us all down to bed, and then an hour later I would get out to bed and watch the news with my parents. It brought me closer to them, and because of it I learnt a lot more about what was happening in the world.

Because of it, I also spent a lot of time by myself. When I was younger, I shared my room with my sister, so I didn't want to wake her up... so I spent an hour or two every night, just with my thoughts. I think it made me really thoughtful, and an introverted person.

It's had a huge impact on me.

Another strange thing? I now LOVE the night. 3am is my favourite time of day. So sometimes, even when I know that I'll hate myself in the morning, I'll stay up really, really late. It's like my safety blanket - I'm all by myself, just me and the night.

Trouble is, being a high school teacher doesn't quite jive with that. Ugh.

Maybe I just need to marry rich and stay at home with kids? (jk hun... you do what you want, lol)

My biggest guess as to why I feel scattered

Hmm, maybe it's because I AM???

Not the biggest revelation ever, and fairly tautological, really (I feel scattered because I'm scattered! Wow!) - but it's really the truth.

Here's what I have going on at present:

1) School - I'm an education student, studying to be a 7-12 science and (hopefully) math teacher. This means I spend:

a) two days a week on campus, taking classes on pedagogy

b) two days a week in a school, getting real, hands-on experience

2) Wedding - My lovely fiance and I are getting married in two and a bit very short months, so wedding planning is taking up more and more of my time

3) Voice lessons - I love to sing, and I've finally found the time and teacher to actually learn how to do it properly.

4) Friends and family in my hometown - call it a blessing or a curse, but both sets of parents (his and mine) live in town as do his brothers and a good chunk of my extended family. Add high school friends, new friends, couple friends... basically I have a busy social life

5) Friends and family not in town - my older sister and brother are in uni out east... plus my friends from uni who are scattered every which way...

6) Fiance time! As much as I love my fiance, he is definitely much more clingy than me. A simple decision like "I think I want to go grab a coffee to clear my head and take a break" involves first letting him know what I'm going to do, a firm but gentle explanation on why I would like to do this on my own, a reassurance that this isn't me being mad at him and trying to get away, and me bringing a coffee back with me for him to make him feel better.

I know that doesn't seem bad, and that's what gets to me... I look at all of that, and it looks like a fun, balanced life. The trouble is, very little of any category is related to another. This means two things:

1) I feel like I'm about six different people right now ("student" Abby, "teacher" Abby, "high school friend" Abby, "Queen's" Abby, "family" Abby, etc)

2) When somebody asks me to add something on to my plate, they don't realize how it sends everything else out of balance.

That second one really sucks. For example, this was basically my last month:

1st week: olympics! The school I'm teaching at this term is a sports school, so watching is a must. Also, my friend in Vancouver is going to various events and wants me to watch them so we can discuss. Also, my older sister and my partner teacher at the school both used to be figure skaters so I definitely must watch all figure skating or they'll disown me. (not that I mind that last one - I love figure skating!) Oh, also my hockey-obsessed fiance needs to watch every team canada game.

2nd week: My voice teacher convinced me to go into this music competitions. Instead of it being the "stand up there and sing" thing that I thought, there is music, choreography, accompanists, costumes, etc. Being a tech-geek and not a theatre-geek, EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS NEW. Massive stress that has been building all of Feb. comes to a peak and number of rehearsals (which had been steadily gaining all month) comes to a head.

3rd week: Probably the biggest week of my school year - I spend the entire week in my school, taking over an entire class and teaching them an entire unit. Massive stress, massive amounts of prep, and massive amounts of advice/admonishments are produced.

4th week: big project due on campus. Due to prof's inability to explain anything properly (fun fact: profs are just as good/bad at TEACHING in the EDUCATION faculty as in any other), spend week furiously doing enough work for four projects to eventually turn out something close to what she wanted.

Take trying to prep for the various events in those weeks, plus trying to organize a wedding, seeing & calling friends & family, etc and you can imagine why I promptly collapsed last week into a heaving pile of rubble.

See, here's the thing: every single one of those things are totally, completely manageable. But add them all together...

My voice teacher doesn't know my school schedule, and doesn't understand that I'm that busy.

My friend doesn't know how much time a wedding takes, and doesn't understand why I don't have time to come over.

My fiance doesn't understand how stressful teaching can be, and doesn't understand why I need a break from people when I come home.

My partner teacher doesn't understand how intensive this voice competition is, and wants me to come in for extra work.

Aaah, I remember when my life was organized into two categories: "work" and "other". Work was an 8-5 job and then the rest of my time was mine to do what I wanted.

I bloody cannot WAIT until I'm back there.

A real introduction

Hi!

My name is Abby. Nice to meet you!

Some solid facts about me:

- Age: 23

- Sex: Female

- Marital status: Engaged

- Profession: Student (ugh)

- Nationality: Canadian

- What people are really asking when they ask me what nationality I am: a mixture of white european (Dad's side) and oriental (my mom's side)

- Location: Western Canada (goooo prairies!)

- Family situation: Parents (still married), one brother (younger) and two sisters (older & younger)

I'm going to try and stay as generic as possible on this blog, without resorting to outright lies... This is mostly because I don't actually want any friends and family running across this thing. The idea is that I'm going to be as open and honest in this blog as in my old journal, which means that I definitely don't want the people I write about finding this thing. (Joys!) I do, however, like sharing lots of stuff about my life - it's just in my nature. So I imagine that things I'm going to try and keep secret (like which town/city I live in) will pop up eventually.

And some more background: I'm a science geek. Well, scratch that, I'm just an all-round geek. I love geek culture (don't get me started on Star Trek), and I love learning. God, I was such a nerd in school.

I ended up graduating out of an AP-type program and heading straight to a high-ranking school out east... oh who am I kidding, I went to Queen's. Like I could keep that secret - Cha Gheill! GOD I loved it there. I think they brainwash you during frosh week or something, I swear. (My fiance always said they put the "cult" in "culture"... but I think he was kidding. Right?)

I ended up taking a chem degree (honors, natch) and in my last year promptly got stuck on what to do next. My thesis was currently blowing up in my face (joys), deadlines for grad schools were looming (ugh), and I had no freaking clue what I wanted to do. So I took a year off, promptly got myself a job that had nothing to do with chem, and had a great time.

But alas, my job, as great as it was for the moment, was not career material. So a decision was made, and back to school I went. I'm halfway through a 2-year degree (you can do the math), and let me tell you, I cannot WAIT to be done. Ugh.

Maybe that's part of the problem?

Heyo!

Hi, to the millions of people who will never read my blog... Here's the scoop:

A while back I was taking stock of where I am in my life and why it seems like I spend a good chunk of my time stressed out and/or confused and/or not quite as happy as I think I should be. See, I tend to be a happy person. In fact, my optimism is supposedly the thing that my fiance finds the most attractive about me (that is, when we're talking about personality and not about figure - he is a guy, after all). However, lately I haven't been feeling like that. I feel overwhelmed, and stressed, and sometimes I just want to jump on a plane and never come back...

In short, I feel lost.

Which is really quite stupid, when you know a bit about me - I'm young, in school (in the easiest program of my life, on top of it), I'm living with the love of my life and I'm surrounded by friends and family. I live in a nice apartment, drive a nice car, etc. The things closest to "dependants" in my life are the plants in our kitchen (which I mostly leave to my fabulous fiance... I'm pretty sure I inherited my mom's black thumb). I don't have to work for extra money, and I'm not racking up tragic amounts of debt to do this whole "post-secondary" thing... yeah, basically I live the sweet life.

Which is why it makes absolutely no sense that I was happier a few years back, when things were a LOT less settled.

So to get back to my original point (I tend to be longwinded - sorry y'all) - I was thinking about this a while back (read: last night), and I realized that one of the things that I had back then that I don't have now is reflection. I wrote in a journal (or diary, or whatever), I meditated (I took a buddhism course - long story) and I by and large had a lot more time on my hands to think. That time has disappeared lately, and I want to recapture that.

So, the plan? To write in this thing regularly. Not to become famous, or not even to find out what other people out in the great wide interwebs have done - just to reflect. And I find I reflect best when I'm open, honest, and pretending that somebody's listening. (I'm serious on that last point - I've been known to have one-sided conversations with myself while I walk. Not strange in the slightest.)

I guess that's enough for now.